Official – John Key knows everything

The US National Security Agency spying scandal in which the US agency is accused of tapping the mobile phone of German Chancellor Angela Merkel won’t go away. It is also suspected of widespread spying on Spain, France and other nations. In the midst of all this stands one man who ‘knows’ the United States has not been spying on him. New Zealand Prime Minister John Key is confident he wasn’t spied on by the US. So confident is he that he has not even needed to ask them.

Asked today about the surveillance uproar in Europe, Key was confident he was not a target of NSA activities. But he refused to confirm this was because of the existence of a Five Eyes pact. He told reporters this was “for reasons I am not going to bother going into” and “you can draw your own speculations”.

He would also not comment on whether New Zealand’s foreign intelligence agency – the Government Communications Security Bureau – played a role in spying on international figures, or contributed to mass surveillance.

“I don’t know all of the information they exchanged or the discussions they had with their counterparts as part of Five Eyes,” he said. “I don’t have all of the details and I don’t bother to ask those particular questions. But I am comfortable that any activities that GCSB have undertaken have been legal.”

I am John Key – I know everything about everything! How do I know everything? I am not going to tell you because quite frankly it is beneath me to explain myself to lesser mortals. If the GCSB does anything illegal we will just make it legal retrospectively. If the Americans want to catch up with what their friends are doing that is cool with me. Oh by the way did I tell you I was hoping to visit the White House next year?